"Alas, I have little more than vintage wine and memories..."

To prove that we're not all lushes; that we're not just overpaid clowns who turn up Monday mornings hungover to bluff and blunder our way through 'teaching' English; who stumble about town in non-school hours 'internationalising' Japan by allowing people to stare at us with our drunken pockets overflowing with fistfulls of cash; to show the community that we didn't come to Japan only for the free ride and the sweet paycheque - to show that none of these things are true the Toyama JETs are giving something back: a show for charity.

That age-old, inspiring, lyrical, captivating, and highly original stage-show 'Cinderella' will be performed for all! Come see what your kids see -- gigantic overpaid westerners prancing around a stage! See them sing! See them dance! See them in public not drunk!

Months ago when we were sober we were urged to sign up for what we were assured would be a roller-coaster of cutting-edge acting and thespian high-jinks; acting hard and playing hard. I imagined the rave reviews that would undoubtedly be written of my portrayal of the lead role -- an anguished genius tormented by demons who dies a tragic Shakespearean death. I'd make a great actor! I was born to walk the boards, to join the ranks of the great and good - Gielgud, Guinness, Hasselhoff. Yes, I thought, planning the coloured lights my name would be in, I was made for this!

"No, no, no!" the director screamed last week in rehearsal, grabbing my shoulders, "tree number two should be over here!"

---

"How's rehearsal going?" our producer asks me in a coffee shop the other day.
"Great!" I reply "Really, it's going well. Seriously. Whu-why are you looking at me like that?"
"Have you ever done theatre before?" he sighs.

You see, this is how it goes. Brad (Tree #1, Guard #1, Pixie #1) meets Geoff (Tree #2, Guard #2, Pixie #2) before rehearsal and complain about how no one told them this would be twice a week for the rest of JET; how this would actually be work. They buy beer. They drink, they whinge some more, they buy more beer. They walk into rehearsal a little late and resume drinking beer, they prance around, and they give each other dead legs. While the leads are up front emoting the huge number of lines they have in every scene, Brad and Geoff are sat to the side, vandalising each other's scripts with obscenities -- or they're actually on stage, acting out the the three lines of dialogue they each they have:

Prince [in Japanese]: line line line emote emote line line emote
Cinderella [in Japanese]: emote emote line line line emote line emote line line
Prince: emote emote line line emote line line line.....
Guard #2: Koko wa Nippon itchy scratchy... oh, hang on, ummm, koko o Nippon cheesy ban..
Guard #1: What are you doing? That's not your line...
Guard #2: Hang on, I've got it. Wait a minute, oh yes, ichiban cheezy toray...cheesai toyra... Bugger (hic).
Guard #1: Dude! You are outta control!... (hic)... Is this my beer or yours?
Guard #2: Um, mine, that's yours.
Guard #1: Oh yes, where were we?
Director: Okay okay...sigh...Cinderella, could you take it from...line line line

This is what happens to your acting ambitions when you realise that you'll never play The Dane.