"A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."

This morning the doorbell interrupted my toilet scrubbing. Not a disaster at all at that point, but when I opened the door my heart sank – she was middle-aged and Japanese and she was carrying the Good News Bible. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not something you’d think to expect in Japan, the land of Shinto and general non-Christianity. But there she was, smiling in all her dental-inglory, willing me to accept the truth and the light. As with most conversations I have with Japanese people I started off on the defensive, as my language skills are shameful.

“Do you know Jehovah?”
Well, not personally.
“Have read the Good News Bible?”
Ah, I’ve certainly read of it.
“Would like to read pamphletto?”
Ah, no sorry, I’m not actually a Christian.

To which she looked rather crestfallen and a little bemused. “Thanks for the offer though, really” I said. And off she went with many sumimasens and gomenasais (excuse me’s and sorries). I wanted to be mean to her. I wanted to be sarcastic and rude, but of course you can't can you? They’re just trying to be nice; they really do want to save you. Besides, she’s traipsing around on a Saturday morning in Toyama (i.e. in the rain), she could do without abuse.
“Get the hell out of my tiny porch way!” I wanted to shout “How dare you patronise me with your arrogance! Do I come to your church and politely ask you to renounce Jesus and all his works? Do I come and bother you at home just to remind you how wrong I think you are?”

Don’t get me wrong here; yes I am an atheist and yes if I’m wrong I’m going to really regret it come the big day. But really, if God has a design, and we were all meant to believe and follow his rules – don’t you think he’d have made sure of that? Doesn’t Free Will get in the way? I don’t believe in conversion, you either have faith or you don’t; it’s not something that can be introduced to you on a doorstep. Also, if He’s all He’s hyped up to be, he’ll give me the benefit of the doubt. A few years ago I might have continued this into a general rant against religion, or more specifically the church, but I’ve come to the realization that it really doesn’t matter what I think in this regard. I’m of the Tyler Durden School, from the eminently quotable ‘Fight Club’:

Tyler: “How’s that working out for you?
“What?”
Tyler: “Being clever”
“Great”
Tyler: “Keep it up then”

Until of course you try to bring it into the courts. Or government. Or school. Then we might have a problem. But I’m not going to get into that.