The Green Ink Brigade, Part II

Dear Tweedledum and Tweedledee,

Thank you for your concerned letter. While Tim is away, I, the assistant director, would like to take a few minutes to respond to your inquiry. I feel your nervousness has been sparked by the sudden, and large amount of music being put upon you for the good of starving children in Africa. That is to say, in your humbleness, I feel you are afraid you are taking parts away from other people who signed up for them.

Lets rewind to your audition. Due to your ecstasy at being allowed to try out, I feel you may have forgotten this valuable experience. Fortunately for all of us, I have copies of the audition sheets you filled out, expressing your interests in our program. You have explicitly stated wanting to be involved in the chorus, and even did a fabulous air guitar rendition of California Dreamin. The passion for which you sang this song was surprising, especially for two boys who are not from California. It was through this that we realized what a team the two of you are, and realized you would be excellent to have on board. Other than a slight scheduling problem involving Geoff and REDACTED on Thursdays, we feel the application process was immaculate with the two of you.

I also sense a lack of confidence within the two of you that I would like to address before it becomes problematic. Lets look at “Exhibit A” from your original letter:

”Exhibit A: We are always leaving on “bathroom breaks” You are smart people. We are not. What could have tipped you off? Could it have been our girlish giggling? Perhaps it was that one time I loudly whispered to Geoff, “Hey, let’s get more” before demurely asking for a fifteen minute toilet break.”

Frankly, I am appalled and very concerned that you and Geoff feel Tim and I to be biased towards your lifestyle. We accept people in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter to us that the two of you prefer to spend most of your time alone in one another’s company. We don’t care which of your organs are malfunctioning from abuse. You are special people to us, just the way you are.

Let’s move on to your “Exhibit B”:

”Exhibit B: The fact that not once in five months have we ever been on time to practice. Not one time.”

This is entirely untrue. For example, a couple Wednesdays ago, Geoff actually rode up the elevator with me, and I arrived at practice Ten Minutes Early. In fact, it isn’t uncommon at all for Geoff to be at rehearsal promptly 5 minutes before it begins. Mind you, these all happen to be the rehearsals Geoff was not written on the schedule to attend, that is, they were his days off. However, I don’t think you can call the man untimely. Let’s be fair.

“Exhibit C”….

Exhibit C: The fact that, despite having practiced at the Kureha location four times now, we still cannot find the goddamn room.

…is just plain nonsense. As stated earlier in your very own letter you come in and out of practice at will, taking small, secretive breaks with Geoff. Surely, your secrecy depends on the ability to find the room. I have seen you slip out for a rendezvous several times. As you stated previously, we are not thick, and we have noticed. Also, as stated previously, we choose to respect your choices.

Then you bring to my attention “Exhibit D:”

Exhibit D: The fact that, up until last week, everyone in the entire production knew Geoff Davies’ lines except Geoff Davies.

Once again, here you have your facts mixed up. Even after last week, Geoff Davies still does not have his portion of the script memorized. This portion should not be referred to as “lines” in the plural sense, but as “line” in the singular sense. We are slightly afraid we will have to pull this line from the script, thus taking away some of the responsibilities you strongly requested during your audition. Therefore, we feel it necessary to add in new roles, in the unlikely even Geoff can’t learn his line.

Now we come to your final request, and I believe the point of this letter: the pixies. I don’t know why you thought you were a pixie. Just because, you go over and place a flower crown in your hair does not entitle you to be a pixie. I have seen your abilities, and while I do think you show extreme daintiness while you lick sugary nubs off the end of long sticks, your size, build, and voices just won’t do for the role of pixie. Honestly, why would we choose you, when we have seven beautiful Japanese women, trained in dance, to fill this role. I am sorry for any confusion that might have come from the choreographer allowing you to do some prancing one day. As stated several times, we do not want to discourage you from being yourself. Please feel free to prance knowing it won’t be on stage.

Further we don’t think your “foolish, fast-living ways” need changing. We think you two seem perfectly content in what you are doing to your bodies together. And we DON’T find that a liability to this organization. I feel by suggesting it, you are insulting other people in this play.

I hope this letter has resolved some of your inner issues about the show. I hope you understand that you are a valuable part of our team here, and that what you see as failures to us, we merely see as lifestyle choices. We would never be disappointed in you, and we think you can handle your load. As for the pixies, even if you should change your minds, I am sorry to say you simply cannot have that role. While you were obviously made for many things, this reaches past the gifts you were given.

Sincerely,
Princess, Friend, and the Director of your Ass.,
Sara Ray