Mars Ain’t the Kind of Place to Raise the Kids

“You know, Max is right. We have found the loophole in life here,” said a friend of mine the other day as he sipped on his extra dry martini with three olives.
“You might be right,” I replied, pulling on my cigar, “this could be the greatest gig ever, if you were so inclined”
“Well yes, if you were so inclined”
“Still not contracting for another year though eh?”
“Hoss, you know I handed in my refusal forms a month after I got here. Bar-keep, another round of martinis for me and my friend…”

You see, teaching English is hell when the people you teach with cannot themselves speak the English that you know and love, i.e. proper English.

As a child my father was constantly nagging me for my terrible use of the vernacular; for implying things totally other than my intentions. Conversations would often go like this:

“Daaaad, can I go over Ian’s house he’s got this new lego see and it’s wicked and his mum’s making orange squash and I haven’t done my homework yet but I will and Dad why is the sky grey?”
“You want to go over Ian’s house, Geoffrey? Are you going to jump over it? Fly over it perhaps?’
“……can I go to Ian’s house?”
“Yes, I’m sure you can, it shouldn’t be too difficult”
“…May I go to Ian’s house?”
“Yes. And the sky is grey because we live in Wales”

One of many. Now of course I am highly grateful to my father for instilling me with the ability to speak English properly, and to be able to take the piss out of those who can’t, especially England footballers. However, this ability is becoming my undoing. In Japan it is slowly driving me mad.

You know of my daily battle with essays and various homework, and with the unbelievable ‘wrongness’ of the English used by students in spite of being taught the correct way not ten minutes previously. I also have to endure the idiosyncrasies of the teachers. And by ‘idiosyncrasies’ I am trying to be kind.

Here is a selection of classroom English that my JTEs often use:

Whilst explaining a handout:
“Pick up this kind of paper. Look at this kind of paper.”

JTE explaining why you have to do something:
“In case of me I do not do this so from you.”

JTE wrapping up the class:
“So much for today’s lesson”

JTE instructing students which page to turn to in their textbooks:
“Open your textbook pagey sirty-seven.” In the middle of a lesson.

“You look at these sentence. These sentences is important.”

Explaining to me when what exactly to do about my flight home:
JTE: Ne, you, ne, so, tuesday, you had to send.
Me: Had to send, when? Send what?
JTE: Form.
Me: What form?
JTE: This form, ne.
Me: When?
JTE: Maybe next tuesday. To someone. Someone will look at it. Ne.
Me: So I had to send it maybe next Tuesday? Rrriiiight.

Every few weeks we receive an 'update' newsletter from the Toyama Board of Education on the exciting things happening in the world of internationalisation. This week, because I was so incredibly bored with marking essays, I decided to mark the newsletter. In two paragraphs of ten lines each I found 34 grammatical mistakes. Seriously.

I can't blame the kids for their terrible English, as it seems they are taught that way by those who can't. I'll leave you with some posters you can find around my school. I used to think they were quirky, funny even. Now they merely drive me insane.