You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

You know who I used to really hate? Involvers. Those bloody happy can-do people who are involved in every worthwhile thing you can think of. Charity working, volunteering, bloody social-organisers. Those types who insist on playing those ridiculous get-to-know-you games at company seminars or parties, and think it’s cool. Those cheery bloody people. I hated them. However, since doing JET I have this horrible feeling I might have turned into one of them. I’m the kind of guy who sits at the back, who will grudgingly get up and initiate something only if absolutely no-ones else looks like doing it, and wasting my day. I have been known to dive into a shop merely to avoid small-talk when spotting an acquaintance in the street. Or feign sleep on the train. Or so I thought. I was, until recently, involved in the Toyama Jet Charity Show, specifically 'Cinderella' (the musical). On hearing about this my friend James, a university friend and former-JET now living in Tokyo with his lovely Japanese wife, said: “Geoff? What? You sad bastard, you’ve not become one of them have you?” and I knew exactly who he meant.

When meeting and talking to Japanese people, and teachers, you know the conversation will certainly go nowhere, but you still have to have it. Part of the JET job-description is 'small-talk.' Being involved is mandatory, so practice is useful.

We started way back after Christmas, and rehearsed twice a week. Eventually rehearsal started to eat into my bowling time, into my ekaiwa time, into my Robin-time. So the only thing for it was to make it enjoyable – by drinking through it. Brad and I (another unfortunate) resolved to never be sober for rehearsal, and indeed to be drunk on the day of the performance. For this reason I can say in a loud clear voice – I am not an involver!

Last Saturday was the big day. Two performances were scheduled for the morning and evening. We of course had to be there at 9am to have a run-through. After the run through, over some refreshments in the dressing room, Brad suggested a change.

“Hey Geoff, we should totally fight”
“Well I am feeling feisty...”
“No no, when we’re guards, we should have a fight at the beginning of the scene, y’know, because are characters are so bored. A hand slapping girly fight, with nunchucks”
“That’s a great idea! More champagne?”
“Why yes, thanks!”

Just before the first performance I found Brad slumped near the lights rigging:

“Brad, I’ve thought of something totally funny”
“Is it my penis?”
“No, though that is hilarious. I should do a ‘Kenny’ in the third scene. I should mumble really loud, y’know, because, hic, we’re wearing these ridiculous ninja head wraps, and then, hic, put my finger up, all Monty Python-like, and take off my mask and then do my line”
“You mean like breaking the fourth wall?”
“Exactly”
“That’s a great idea! More beer?”
“Why yes, thanks!”

So on we went, and of course the crowd went wild. A stunning success.

Before the second performance we were sequestered in the dressing room by the director, to ensure we wouldn’t get ‘lost.’ We watched the preceding variety show on the in-house monitors.

“Brad, would you look at that!”
“What?”
“Jimmy. I’ve just been in the wings watching him, you’d totally think he’s singing Pavarotti rather than miming, he’s even got the sweat down!”
“That Jimmy sure is a legend”
“Yep. More wine?”
“Why yes, thanks!”

At this point a Japanese lady with a microphone burst into the room with a man with a TV camera. Ah, foreigners! Let's make them eat natto and film them vomiting ha ha ha ha. We quickly hid all traces of wine and beer and made welcoming noises. First with a camera in his face was Adam, who plays the part of Prince Charming's Best friend 'Hard Gay', this is him:

He politely ate a few beans. Next was Nick, Footman to the Prince, who shovelled down the natto like he loved it, which he did. The camera didn't find this entertaining. Next up was Tim the director. He made a great show, proclaiming to love natto as much as he loves his dear old mum. He obviously finds his mother vile. Then it was my turn. "Mmmm" I said, "Mmmm....Um. Mmph! Hur! Hhhurrrrr. Ack, ack! Wine! Wine, quickly now!" And so to Brad. Brad is a strange fish. Somehow he can do totally disgusting things - like dribble spit and natto down his chin while making retching noises and half crying - and it's more funny than it is disgusting. As soon as they put the segment on tv I will upload it here.

Unfortunately it is not yet possible to show you the outcome of the show. We ended up extremely sweaty, and some might say drunk. Until the JET nerds figure out a way to get the theatre feed onto a DVD I give you:

(Click on images to enlarge)

Salad Days at Rehearsal



Rehearsal Video (with sound)


Pre-show English Practice



Trees



Ninjas



Prince Charming and his 'Best Friend'



Mr and Mrs Cinderella


Finale


Party Hardy



Buggered